Someone just woke up...

Lately, I’ve been feeling this uneasiness within me. If not that I know better, I would have said that I was depressed because my demeanor and my inner man appeared and felt somewhat... quiet... sober... reflective. 

But I know better!

My mind has been going back and forth, thinking about where I am and the relationships I currently maintain and asking myself if this is really what I want... or is this what I’m settling for because it’s where I find myself. So I see myself going into a day dream once in a while when I’m supposed to be studying for my exams coming up in 2 weeks; exams that won’t wait for me to put my house in order before it presents itself. I know that I ought to read but then I find my mind... wandering... asking myself... “so where am I now?”

Over the past few months I have finally brought myself to this place... this post. The beginning of a new phase of my life. 

I walked into church on Tuesday evening (one of my favorite days of the week) and as usual, I saved a seat by my side for my “de-facto bestie”, my partner in crime – YB. She was running late (as usual) so there was a 99.9% likelihood that I’d be distracted throughout praise and worship cos I’d be keeping an eye on the door waiting for her to walk through. Fortunately for me, 5 minutes into the worship session, I got her text that she’d be really late. No need for the seat-saving, no need for the distractions. I came to church expecting a word, not knowing exactly what part of my life I wanted a word for, but I just wanted something to take home. I was willing to learn something new.

This old dude that I have never seen before steps up to the alter and takes the microphone. So the funny Pastor that usually takes bible study isn’t back from their Missions journey to Asia. Ok. The older guy titles his message... er... I didn’t get the title... my mind has begun to wander away again. I pull it back in time to hear him build up his message. Jesus came to give us life - not just any kind of life, but the God-life! The Zoe. He came so that the God-life would be abundantly at work within us. Oh, I’m listening but my mind is doing another preaching of its own. So, if Christ came to give me the abundant God-life, how come I haven’t done so much or become so much? Isn’t God this huge and amazing all-consuming person? The God I have come to know is so BIG and so amazing, His glory and the works of His hands are so magnificent. How come I haven’t done anything or become so... glorious!!! If that power is within me then... what’s wrong? Er... what am I not doing? This can’t be all... This can’t be all that Christianity is about. 

At this point, my mind does a back-flip, analyzing the things in my life that portray my “Christian living”. But come on... Is this all that Christianity is about? What is that purpose for which Christ took hold of me? I want to take hold of it! (Phil 3:12) In the words of Stacie Oricco, there’s gotta be more to life than chasing round every temporary high. Cos that’s how it feels right now.

The prayer in my heart at that moment was “that I may know Him and the fullness of the POWER of His resurrection”, taking hold of that purpose for which Christ took hold of me. That I may experience the fullness of the purpose of salvation...

Zoe is no more a concept or a principle or some vague academic term. It is a relationship, a physical manifestation of the fullness of the glory of God. It is meant to be an active force driving our everyday activity.

Earlier in the day, during a day dreaming phase, I racked my brain trying to pick someone I could disciple under. It was particularly difficult for me in this instance because I was specifically looking for an older person (male or female) with an evidently successful business mind, someone that would be willing to teach me, and someone that I won’t have any gender issues with (this includes wife issues, toasting issues, awkward moment issues – trust me, they are all important). I needed someone I could be strictly professional with and at the same time, I could be a daughter. I wanted to be treated like a man... no silly emotions... but still like... me. The emphasis was not so much on the relationship, but on the quality of the experience. I need a strong positive influence that can help channel my mind to make strong and affluent decisions. Decisions that would always reap a bountiful harvest at the first attempt. I need someone that will teach me how to use all those amazing ideas within me and help translate them to cash and long-term institutions. I hear that although the disciples didn’t go to school, yet they appeared educated because of their association with Jesus. He rubbed off on them so much that they became “Christ-like”. No... I couldn’t think of anyone that would fit this description... Everyone is too busy. Who has my time like this?

So, here I was in church, listening to this old dude tell me about Zoe... and my mind went to my desire for a mentor. Smh...

The old dude now starts saying that the Holy Spirit is in our hearts. The Power at work within us. The 3^rd person of the Trinity was in our hearts, that same “Power” that caused the resurrection. So my mind starts to preach its own message again... Who has more wisdom than God? When He said that He has given us the power to create wealth, what did He mean? Who has more experience in creating wealth? Dangote? Or the HS (Holy Spirit)? Who gave Daniel the wisdom that set him apart from the king’s men? Where do I get that precision and tangible wisdom, or the courage to take a risk and invest? I want to conquer, but I’m too afraid that if I put all my chips down and take a risk... I’ll fail. I need that mentor... I don’t want to fail. 

Hmmm... So the same way I want that mentor guy to rub off on me...can the HS rub off like that as well? If He is the one with all the wisdom and power... isn’t He the most guaranteed source of consistent success? What do I need to do to get Him to rub off on me like that?

What am I even saying? I’ve been a Christian for so long, I’ve had the HS in my life for a long time... but this perspective was on a different level! Smh... Sometimes, you can be in something for so long and you still don’t get it. I knew at that moment that I still didn’t get it.

The HS is the only influence I need. He has to come alive in me, He has to be as real as the “mentor” would have been. The same closeness I desire from the mentor, the same discipleship I was ready to put myself through, I can do the same thing with the HS. The old dude said “when you feel like you are failing in an area of your life, its cos you need to let the HS into that part of your life! Stop trying to do it by yourself!” Let the HS come alive in you. He’s not supposed to be dormant; He is that power within you. 

I reckon that the real-ness of God and the HS’s mentorship in your life is highly dependent on the level of your faith (now this is a whole other blog topic). The level of your faith in God and the HS will determine the depth and extent to which the HS’s mentorship will go in your life.

In conclusion, I said on facebook some days ago; “Today, I may not be treated the way I want to be treated. Notwithstanding, I shall be consistently fighting for what I want my life to be! Never settling for less than that! In the end, I shall naturally gain the respect I want.” The respect that causes men to give thanks to God because of me (2 Cor 9:11-13).

I know these are heavy words, but they are coming from a heavy heart. Lemme go ponder some more...